So the bible is starting to get juicy around the 27th chapter of Genesis. Isaac, son of Abraham, married to Rebekah (The quintessential Jewish mother…note the sarcasm.) Jacob and Esau, twins, were born to Rebekah and Isaac. But Jacob was clearly Rebekah's favorite, so much so that she decided to have Jacob dupe Esau with regard to his father's (Abraham) blessing.  This caused a grudge between Esau and Jacob. Jacob lied to have favor with his father. Esau vowed to kill Jacob. So Rebekah sent Jacob away for fear that Esau would kill him, Rebekah told Jacob to go to Laban and stay until Esau's anger became less and he forgot what Jacob had done to him…Yeah, right…that's going to happen...clearly these people are not Italian.

On his way Jacob has a revelation of sorts;

10Jacob departed from Beer-sheba and proceeded toward Haran. 11When he came upon a certain place,* he stopped there for the night, since the sun had already set. Taking one of the stones at the place, he put it under his head and lay down in that place. 12Then he had a dream: a stairway* rested on the ground, with its top reaching to the heavens; and God’s angels were going up and down on it.f 13And there was the LORD standing beside him and saying: I am the LORD, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you are lying I will give to you and your descendants.g 14Your descendants will be like the dust of the earth, and through them you will spread to the west and the east, to the north and the south. In you and your descendants all the families of the earth will find blessing.h 15I am with you and will protect you wherever you go, and bring you back to this land. I will never leave you until I have done what I promised you.i j 31: 13; 35: 14-15 k 35: 6; 48: 3; Jos 18: 13; Jgs 1: 23; Hos 12: 5 16When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he said, “Truly, the LORD is
in this place and I did not know it!” 17He was afraid and said: “How awesome this place is! This is nothing else but the house of God, the gateway to heaven!” 18Early the next morning Jacob took the stone that he had put under his head, set it up as a sacred pillar,* and poured oil on top of it.j 19He named that place Bethel,* whereas the former name of the town had been Luz.k 20Jacob then made this vow:* “If God will be with me and protect me on this journey I am making and give me food to eat and clothes to wear, 21and I come back safely to my father’s house, the LORD will be my God. 22This stone that I have set up as a sacred pillar will be the house of God. Of everything you give me, I will return a tenth part to you without fail.

I posted this particular part of chapter 28 because it stood out to me. Reading this portion of the bible  seems like a very warped family tree. But this one portion spoke to me. As the bible should…and not everyone will get the same thing out of the bible. This part is right before Jacob encounters Rachel, the wife he truly loves. In this dream God tells Jacob that he will not leave him. Again, we see the forgiving God, even though one of his children has done wrong. Jacob comes to believe that where he stands is truly where the LORD is. He makes a vow to make the LORD his God if God protects him on his journey. This is something we do very often, bargaining…perhaps some will not see this as bargaining but that is how it struck me. I have done this many times in my life, even though I clearly know that God is not one to bargain with…but I still do it.

So I continue to read, realizing that there is so much more in Genesis than I ever really knew. I have tuned out so much over the years. Honestly, I have sat in the pews, I have written words of what I thought I knew. I have spent so many years in the classroom, thinking I knew it all. Clearly, I knew nothing. I just gave what I thought I needed to…mostly the bare minimum to get me through even when I write here, I feel like I have to hold back and write what I think others want to hear and see. I have such a difficult time not trying t be a theologian. I am letting go of the fact that this is my journey right now…mine alone! Those who choose to share it with me must bear with the changes that I go through on this journey. There may be times where I seem to be all over the place…but isn't that the reality of us? Isn't that who we truly are? Beings that constantly change…souls that continuously strive for something more?

"In those moments, O God, when my faith in you appears to be a dim light in a dark void, help to keep my eyes on the tiny flame in the dark abyss, believing (without knowing) that you will provide."

Abraham:  a man tested…I don't know if I could ever have this much faith. But that's the point…we are supposed to give it all. I know deep down this is the answer. I know that we are here on this earth and God has a plan. But there are days when I wonder if God's plan is just to inflict torture. There are those dark days where it feels as if God is so far away. We all go through times of doubt, times of fear and it is so difficult to hold on. Abraham was definitely tested…I do not think I would be able to consider sacrificing my own child, but Abraham was willing to do so and he was greatly rewarded. We all know there is a reward, but seriously, who among us really has the ability to be as faith filled as Abraham?

As I continue to read, I do notice a feeling of -The more things change the more they stay the same- thing going on. These goings on in Genesis happened so long ago but the family stuff seems to be very familiar to families now. The drama! Oh boy…the drama! Esau and Jacob could be a modern day story. Just change the clothes on Esau and Jacob, add a nice car, put Isaac in a nursing home and there you have it. The scene has changed but the deceit has remained the same. Humans are humans.

I figure God is still shaking his head...

The next few chapters speak of Abraham. Another covenant. It is clear that Genesis continues to give us constant reminders that God keeps his covenant with us but there must be respect and obedience for this covenant. This seems to be the thing that today’s society loves to ignore. Yes, there are many who sit in the pews, many that claim to be religious. But it seems that we have become a society who ignores the fact that in order to receive there must be some giving. In other words, to truly maintain the covenant one must live the way God wants. It is a difficult task. It is a day to day journey down a long road.

 When I read the stories in Genesis, I  am suddenly aware that humans have not really changed. When I was younger and learning the bible scriptures, I always imagined that the people I was reading about were these truly unbelievably religious folks. I am now reading with different eyes. As an adult I am seeing it in a different light. There was doubt in each person that God encountered. Sarah did not believe that she would indeed give birth, for she was so old. Abraham questioned God about destroying Sodom and Gomorrah, even questioning him about the sacrifice of those who were good. Even when God promised that he would spare the lives of the good – even if it were a small number – Abraham still questioned. Such a human thing . . . something I am only now realizing.

By the way, when I refer to the people who sit in the pews and act as if they know it all, I refer to myself as well. I spent so many years in Catholic school thinking I knew it all. So much of it was rote . . . the things the nuns wanted me to spit back at them. Then I entered Seton Hall University and my thinking changed again. We were taught to question God; we were taught to understand that not everything is so very clear about our faith. Believe me, my Irish Catholic mother did not like this period in my life. I did go through a phase where I questioned. I even questioned church and the hierarchy — ahem, I still do! It was all new to me . . . it seemed naughty and wrong . . . as a young woman, this was an exciting thing! I aced all my theology classes, because I knew how to write for each professor or doctor of theology. I knew what they wanted to hear, knew whether or not they wanted to bash the faith or stand up for it. I think that is where my bible study stopped. I figured I knew it all . . . what more did I need?

So I realized this past week that those I am reading about were just as human as all of us . . . and this makes the stories more understandable. I am not stuck like I was about the truth and history of the stories presented in Genesis. I see the humanness of it all . . . Lot’s wife looked back and she was turned into a pillar of salt: every day we are tempted to look back, for whatever the reason. Perhaps we long for what was, whether it was right or wrong. Perhaps we look back to try to understand what we did and why we did it. Perhaps it is, just quite simply, human nature.

Alright, I am over my Friday night insanity with all the elders from chapter 5 . . . It is difficult to get past the teachings that were absorbed into my very young brain in Catholic school, not meaning Catholic school was wrong but rather that I still have a difficult time letting go of the real truth of the beginning of the bible. We all do this, we so want to believe that it is true and scientific. To quote Father Robert Barron, “My hope is that those who are tripped up by the beginning of the book of Genesis can make a small but essential interpretive adjustment and see these writings as they were meant to be seen: not as primitive science, but as exquisite theology.”
True! 
The story of Noah is one about covenant. The covenant between God and man. Let’s face it, the world is full of sin. The story of Noah is really profound, as are many of the stories in Genesis. If you really look deeply into it you see that this narrative shows the true love of God.  Right here at the beginning of the bible we see that God is showing that He is hurt by humans. God is not looking to hurt us, He is simply trying to teach us to live according to His plan. 
I am learning to look at these stories individually, to find the true meaning. What is more beautiful than a covenant with God, God telling us that he will never abandon us? Even though this message is so simple, it is not always easy to remember, at least not for me. Sometimes in the trials of life, when God should feel most present, it doesn’t feel as if God is there. But that is exactly the time that God is there . . . quietly listening to our hearts, waiting for the silent prayer that only He can hear.

Genesis seems like it should be very straight forward, right?  Let's go over it:

Adam and Eve have sex, I say it that way because, well dammit, that's how chapter 4 begins . . . they have sons (of course) and their sons have sons and their sons have more sons . . . of course! The women are there somewhere, just not mentioned too much. They do say from time to time that so-and-so gave birth to sons and daughters, but we never hear their names . . . just the sons. But I digress . . . and we move on . . . all these sons are walking the earth, for many, many years . . . and I mean many years! And not just that . . . they were fathering more sons and daughters well into their hundreds!!! 

So far chapter 5 has given me the most laughs and the most frustration. We leave behind the drama with Cain and Abel (I promise I will talk about them very soon, just not in this post). This is the laughter part: We get the run down of the Adam and Eve family tree . . . and let me tell you that is one OLD tree. The theme here is that Adam's descendants "lived" to be hundreds of years old. Here's what made me laugh; in each paragraph it stated who was who on the Adam tree and at the end of each paragraph the line would say, for example: Adam lived for nine hundred and thirty years; then he died. Seth lived for nine hundred and eleven years; then he died. Enosh (the first man to invoke the name Yahweh—guess he didn't get the memo about the new translation) lived for nine hundred and five years; then he died . . . Chapter 5 ends with Noah, also living a long life . . .

The frustration with this chapter is that it is so inconceivable that anyone would live hundreds of years. So I have to try to swallow this with a spoonful of sugar and understand that the bible isn't always literal. I understand that it is interpretive and perhaps metaphorical. But this creates a problem for the side of me that wants it to be cut and dried . . . I don't always have the strength to ride on my faith. I get that, when the bible says we are all descendants of Adam it is more in the spiritual sense, not the literal.
But . . . still hard to swallow.

Next post: Noah! I need a rest before that flood!

And so I begin with the beginning. I love that the Bible actually starts with those words…“In The Beginning”. Well, who knew? It was indeed just the beginning, and in some ways, when you think about the vastness of this world and time, we are really still in the beginning.

I have read Genesis many different times in my life, most of which were forced upon me through school or for writing purposes. So I have begun this process reading in a new way. I could go on and on about the many arguments about evolution vs. creation. Was it seven days or seven thousand years? Is it still going on, even now? Was it the Big Bang or did it exist before that? And if the Big Bang is real, then why is it not possible that God created that BANG?! So many philosophers have asked these questions and have formed answers. If one really thinks about it, all the answers can seem both right and wrong. But isn't that what the bible is to so many: pages and pages of faith filled words, pages and pages of questions that don't always have clear and concise answers, pages that sometimes have deep meaning to us and at other times mean absolutely nothing because we are too panicked in our own brains from all the things that stress us every day? The point here is that the world was created in some way by the hand of God. Thus far, I have read the first three chapters, and my brain is feeling cluttered as it usually does when I try to pull apart the bible. In order to digest the bible I feel as if I must have an openness and a faith that is strong…HA! Let's face it…who of us has a faith so strong that it never fails? No one that I know. But there it is every day, a new beginning…another chance to start over. So the bible starts with that…a beginning…a newness.

The chapter that spoke to me today was mostly chapter 3.  Lets face it, the first two described creation and this is a story I know only too well…or so I thought. It is almost so simple that it is not. When I was growing up and going to school this story was the best way nuns had to scare the hell out of kids. "Look what happened to Adam and Eve" the nuns would proclaim, and I remember thinking…okay, they didn't actually die right away…They had children…they lived their life pretty much the way we all do.  So I would ask myself, "What's the big deal?" I still ask that…"Whats the big deal?" 

And then of course, there are those times when it all seems like a really big deal. It feels as if there is so much going on that there really isn't time to stop in that garden and remember what that beginning signifies. It shouts of our humanity…we are all so imperfect. We all sin. We all stray…and that includes the very best of us. We walk every day with all the things that trouble us…we carry our own burdens and the burdens of others. Some days the light of God seems so strong that I can reach out and touch it. Other times I walk away quite purposefully... I walk away waiting to be called home. Much like Adam and Eve, we all make mistakes, we all have times when we are doing something that we know is wrong but we do it anyway. Do we do it because we know God will forgive? Do we do it because we really don't care? Or do we simply do it because we are human, humans that even in the best of times walk in the desert?

Even though we are more than a week into Lent, I have made the true decision to read the Bible…I don't just mean read it, I mean to understand it as the person I am now. We all go through journeys in life, we all change, we all become wounded, we all have scars…but I truly believe it is what we do with our wounds and what we have learned from them that makes us the person we are each day.

I went to Catholic School all of my life…I've studied the bible…I've used the bible for work…I thought I knew the bible through and through, but it turns out that I really don't. I know the words... I know there are those who bash those words… I know that the Word is powerful!

I am not looking to transform anyone but myself. Perhaps in my transformation there will be others that will journey too... I am not here to preach or to teach. I am simply here to read with new eyes…to understand with a different heart…to wander inside my soul…to walk in this new desert.